It is time to find the missing mummy of John Wilkes Booth. Rather than outlining the entire mystery of the missing mummy here, I would advise all readers to spend time time googling to familiarize themselves with the case. At present it should suffice to say that Booth’s mummified remains have been missing since 1975, where they were last seen in New Hope, Pennsylvania.
I am quite confident that the vast majority of readers will find this situation intolerable. (In fact, many of you have probably spent many sleepness nights over it, as I have.) And most of you, as I, have probably felt quite impotent in the matter.
So I offer a solution: everyone must get involved, and find that mummy!
1. Make the entire world aware of the situation. Email everyone you know, and link to this page.
2. Look for the mummy! When was the last time you were in your own attic or basement? When was the last time you visited your grandparents’ house and looked in their closets? How about your neighbors? Remember, in case people find your nosiness impertinent, to be honest, for this raises awareness. If asked, say: “I’m looking for the mummy of John Wilkes Booth.” They will no longer consider you rude, but civic-minded. I promise.
3. Write your local representative, congressman, senator, and the President. Write your local paper and the PTA. Write your mother and write your missing father in Tahiti. Write the United Nations and the New York Times. Write Grandma. Write Hollywood and ask for a movie starring Johnny Depp as John Wilkes Booth. (I mean, seriously, who else could play John Wilkes Booth?) And then start your telephone campaign.
So there is the challenge. Are you up to it for the good of humanity and the sanctity of historical accuracy? Do you want to change the world? Do you want to see the most famous American mummy of them all find a respectable resting place rather than languish in some millionare collector’s bank vault?
Let’s go find the mummy.
And by the way, I guess I should give you a picture, in case the mummy you find in your neighbor’s basement is NOT John Wilkes Booth.
Here he is, in 1931 (from HistoryBuff.com):
The mummy is the one on the right.
Thank you for your attention, and happy hunting!